198 lines
8.3 KiB
HTML
198 lines
8.3 KiB
HTML
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<title>SCO Interview LG #94</title>
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<A HREF="hughes.html"><< Prev</A> | <A HREF="index.html">TOC</A> | <A HREF="../index.html">Front Page</A> | <A HREF="http://www.linuxgazette.com/cgi-bin/talkback/all.py?site=LG&article=http://www.linuxgazette.com/issue94/anonymous.html">Talkback</A> | <A HREF="../faq/index.html">FAQ</A>
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<TABLE BORDER><TR><TD WIDTH="200">
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<A HREF="http://www.linuxgazette.com/">
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<IMG ALT="LINUX GAZETTE" SRC="../gx/2002/lglogo_200x41.png"
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WIDTH="200" HEIGHT="41" border="0"></A>
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<BR CLEAR="all">
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<SMALL>...<I>making Linux just a little more fun!</I></SMALL>
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</TD><TD WIDTH="380">
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<CENTER>
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<BIG><BIG><STRONG><FONT COLOR="maroon">SCO Interview</FONT></STRONG></BIG></BIG>
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<BR>
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<STRONG>By <A HREF="../authors/anonymous.html">Anonymous</A></STRONG>
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This is Bob Chumps, President of Chumps News Network. We're here today
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for our Washington Insider Interview Luncheon with Baryl O'Hubris,
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President of the Sexy Condom Operation Corp.
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<p>
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CNN: Baryl, you're controversial suit has been in the news a lot lately.
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Can you give us a little background? Where did you first get the idea
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for all this?
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<p>
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Baryl: Well, we'd been talking one day in the board room about how we
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didn't have a lawyer's chance in hell in making any money over the next
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five years. All these new glow-in-the dark and French tickler designs
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have really screwed up our market, so to speak; we just don't have the
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R&D funding to get any of this done by our group, and we couldn't
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compete if we had to license them from anyone else. It looked bleak. I was
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so bummed, I went home and tried to take my mind off the whole situation.
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I had just picked up a copy of that new Open Source biography, "Pulling
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the Wool: Adventures With Our Own Bush". Well, I couldn't relax and
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concentrate, so I took a viagra, two peyote buttons, and did a couple of
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lines. I felt better immediately and went back to reading. After the
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chapter on doing up the election, a small idea was forming. When I got to
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the part about 9/11, I could really feel it taking hold. By the time I got
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to the chapter called "Bombing the Browns & Marketing the Oil War", I
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couldn't contain it any longer. I could see it all, people in the US have
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been prepared for this type of thing for years. We could do it!
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<p>
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CNN: What happened then?
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<p>
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Baryl: I immediately called Pukinda Djellow, our Chairman of the Board.
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"Puke," I said. "Get the lawyers in here tomorrow. I've got an idea."
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Puke listened, told me it was brilliant, that I'm a genius, emphasized
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just how amazing I am; he's great, a real team player. We met the next
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day and formed our basic plan.
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<p>
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We had the lawyers take apart the licensing agreement on our condom
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packs. It couldn't be clearer, Bob. The way it's written, if you've used
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one of our prophylactics, you've implicitly agreed that we have a
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license on your having sex for the rest of your life. We had been
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sitting on a gold mine without even knowing it!
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<p>
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Basically, the way the lawyers have it, anytime you slide an SCO scumbag
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on your schlong, you owe us more money. So the lawyers worked
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feverishly, came up with the idea for a *big* suit. Now, we knew we
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couldn't identify individual purchasers of our condoms, the Total
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Information Awareness thing isn't quite up yet. So, we just sued
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everybody. It's the Kill 'em All, Let Moroni Sort 'em Out approach.
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Eventually everyone's going to either pay up or pack their peter away
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for good.
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<p>
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CNN: Didn't anyone object?
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<p>
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Baryl: Sure, one guy, Uphinder Bowwow didn't like it and quit. We don't
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need him, it's no big deal.
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<p>
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CNN: Yes, but how are you really going to make money? Eventually people
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are going to figure this out!
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<p>
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Baryl: That's the brilliant part. We knew it would take years for the
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whole thing to get to court. In the meantime, we could be reduced to
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drinking T-Bird. We had to find a way to cash in faster. Well, I
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remembered we'd hired this guy named Veg Roughage, VP of Worldwide
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Intercourse, which of course left him with not a whole lot to do. We
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brought him into the meeting. Turns out he's had some past experience in
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this stuff, knows how to do the stock and option thing. He said it was
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really simple, came up with this plan how we could issue options to all
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of us who were "in the know". Got him off his duff and on to something
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he knows about. Ya know, it worked; as soon as we made the announcement,
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our stock took off. We're all rolling in dough now, no thoughts of
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having to drink the cheap stuff anymore!
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<p>
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CNN: All of this seems a little far-fetched.
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<p>
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Baryl: After I came down the first time, I thought so too, Bob. I was
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frankly worried. But, I just did the same mix again: viagra, peyote, and
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toot, and soon relized everything was Ok. And it's working! The main
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thing is keeping up the hype, keeping the general public and the
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employees confused but motivated.
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<p>
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CNN: How did you do that?
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<p>
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Baryl: Well, it turns out to be pretty simple. First of all, we hired
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professional script writers so we all know what to say all the time;
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sort of synchronizes our processes so to speak. Then, we call regular
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press and phone conferences. Krisp Blaughjob, Senior VP, has been a
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leader in this area, bought himself a couple of nice Armanis and some
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new ties. When he wears that outfit, everyone believes anything he says,
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I'm sure you've seen him on TV. Of course, the other employees were
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still a problem, but I figured that one out myself. Since everyone eats
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at the SCO cafeteria, we just put up some cool subliminal motivational
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posters and spiked the food with my mix. Of course, we couldn't afford
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coke for everyone, so we knocked it out of my original recipe and
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substituted 2,000 milligrams of caffeine. Does a pretty good job, costs
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about 98% less.
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<p>
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CNN: I guess you can't argue with success. What do you think you're
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biggest problem is going to be in all this?
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<p>
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Baryl: So far, it's been clear sailing inside the US, so we're
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concentrating on that market. We're realistic, we know we can't control
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the world yet, they just haven't been properly prepared. Domestically
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the media has really made our job easy.
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<p>
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Our biggest concern is that most people will just switch to
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masturbation. Right now, we don't know how to handle that one for sure.
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But we've got the script writers doing research. Turns out with the
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right ads, we can probably convince most people that it really does grow
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hair on your palms and eventually cause blindness.
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<p>
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CNN: Wow, the whole thing is amazing. Any last comments?
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<p>
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Baryl: Well, I'd just like to thank God people are stupid. Oh yeah, the
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lawyers think it's really funny: all those people who bought our stock
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(symbol SCOC) are going to be known as SCOC suckers.
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<!-- *** BEGIN author bio *** -->
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<P>
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<P>
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<!-- *** BEGIN bio *** -->
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<P>
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<img ALIGN="LEFT" ALT="[BIO]" SRC="../gx/2002/note.png">
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<em>
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Anonymous,...
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</em>
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<br CLEAR="all">
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<!-- *** END bio *** -->
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<!-- *** END author bio *** -->
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<!-- *** BEGIN copyright *** -->
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<hr>
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<CENTER><SMALL><STRONG>
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Copyright © 2003, Anonymous.
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Copying license <A HREF="../copying.html">http://www.linuxgazette.com/copying.html</A><BR>
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Published in Issue 94 of <i>Linux Gazette</i>, September 2003
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</STRONG></SMALL></CENTER>
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<A HREF="hughes.html"><< Prev</A> | <A HREF="index.html">TOC</A> | <A HREF="../index.html">Front Page</A> | <A HREF="http://www.linuxgazette.com/cgi-bin/talkback/all.py?site=LG&article=http://www.linuxgazette.com/issue94/anonymous.html">Talkback</A> | <A HREF="../faq/index.html">FAQ</A>
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