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<title>The Adventures of Little Linus In GNU/Wonderland LG #75</title>
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<H4 ALIGN="center">
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"Linux Gazette...<I>making Linux just a little more fun!</I>"
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</H4>
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<P> <HR> <P>
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<!--===================================================================-->
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<center>
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<H1><font color="maroon">The Adventures of Little Linus In GNU/Wonderland</font></H1>
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<H4>By <a href="mailto:dclydew@binaryfreedom.com">D Clyde Williamson</a>
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<BR>Originally published at <A HREF="http://www.systemtoolbox.com/">System Toolbox</A>. Reprinted with permission.</H4>
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<!-- END header -->
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<h3>In Which Little Linus Finds GNU/Wonderland</h3>
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<p>
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It was a sunny afternoon, and Linus was happily playing in his
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backyard. He was busy with all the things that little Linuses do on
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sunny days in their backyards. He was sitting in the shade of a large
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tree when he noticed something very out of place in a Linuses
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backyard. Waddling across the yard was a penguin! Every few yards,
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this penguin would pull out a Compaq Itsy, consult it, put it back in
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his pocket and say, "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for my release
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date!"
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<p>
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Little Linus had never seen a penguin this close before. He had also
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never seen an Itsy. And he was rather sure that penguins shouldn't be
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talking or consulting Itsys. So as any curious Linus would do, he
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followed the penguin. No matter how quickly Linus walked, the penguin
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seemed to be the same distance away. The penguin didn't waddle any
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faster, Linus just couldn't seem to get any closer.
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<p>
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Suddenly, the penguin stopped at the very tree Linus had been sitting
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under. "Ah, here's what I was looking for... root access!" the
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penguin muttered. Then he popped into a small hole in one of the roots
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of the tree.
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<p>
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Linus decided to follow. He squeezed into the hole, and suddenly
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realized that he was falling. Everything below him was dark, so he
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couldn't see the bottom. He continued to fall wondering what was next.
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He began to look at his surroundings and noticed that there was a
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brick wall on one side of the hole. As he looked closer he could make
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out a set of eyes in the wall, falling at the same speed as he
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was. One of the eyes winked at him. Linus was slightly startled, but
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remembered his manners. "Hello, umm, Mr. Wall," Linus began
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cautiously, not quite sure how one should address walls.
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<p>
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To his surprise, a nose, mustache and mouth formed below the eyes and
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the entire face continued to slide down the wall at the same speed as
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Linus. "Hello young man! How are you this fine day?" the wall asked
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Linus.
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<p>
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"Well", Linus replied, "I'd feel much better if I knew how to stop
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falling."
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<p>
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"Ah", the wall nodded sagely, "Usually, one stops when they hit the
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bottom. But, as the camel says, 'there's more than one way to do
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it'."
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<p>
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Linus didn't quite understand the bit about the camel. However, he was
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sure that hitting the ground wasn't the best way to stop. He looked at
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the wall. "Ummm, I'd really rather stop in a way that didn't hurt
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me..."
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<p>
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The wall looked at him a bit then said, "Well, I suppose I can ask
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the camel to catch you." The face disappeared.
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<p>
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Linus continued to fall and realized that he hadn't looked down for
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awhile. Indeed it seemed that there was a light coming up from below.
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As he looked down, he saw the ground about thirty feet away. There
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directly under him stood a camel. Before he knew it, he had landed
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quite softly and safely between the camels humps. The camel turned and
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smiled at him, flashing his perly white teeth.
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<p>
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The wall spoke again. "The camel will help you get started here. He's
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quite user friendly." Then the face was gone again.
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<p>
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Linus looked at the camel, then remembered why he was here to begin
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with, "I was following a penguin, but I seemed to have lost his
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trail." The camel nodded and began walking towards a nearby wood.
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<p>
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<h3>In Which Linus Meets Several Strange Inhabitants of GNU/Wonderland</h3>
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<p>
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As they approached the wood, Linus noticed a taco walking up the road
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towards him. The taco appeared to be carrying several newspapers under
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his arm. "News for Nerds!" he was calling, "Get your News for Nerds
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here."
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<p>
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Linus stopped the camel and walked over to get a newspaper. However,
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before he could reach the taco, he heard a loud noise. Several
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thousand creatures, boys, girls, rabbits, unicorns, trolls and all
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other sorts of animals came rushing toward the taco. They all hit the
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taco at once, grabbing for the newspapers. Linus watched as wave after
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wave of things rushed across the poor taco. Then as suddenly as they
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had come, they were gone. Linus ran over to the taco, "Are you hurt?"
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He asked with concern.
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<p>
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"Not bad, at least this time no one dumped any breakfast cereal on
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me," the taco replied getting up and brushing himself off. [1]
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<p>
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Linus thought about querying further on the subject of breakfast
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cereal, however, he decided to skip it. After making sure the taco
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was OK he climbed back on the camel and set off again.
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<p>
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He had not traveled far when he heard a strange noise in the forest
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beside the path. "Perhaps it is a bear," he thought. However, before
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he could urge the camel to pick up the pace a man stepped out of the
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woods onto the path. He was an odd looking man, with hair that pointed
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anywhere except where hair usually points. Linus figured the man must
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have forgotten he owned a beard, since it looked like the beard had
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wandered off on its own quite awhile ago.
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<p>
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"Hullo, boy!" the man waved at Linus. "I am GNUman. Who are you?"
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<p>
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"My name is Linus, and it's nice to meet you, Neuman." Linus got down
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to shake the man's hand.
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<p>
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"Not Neuman, it's GNUman. Say it right!" The man said loudly.
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<p>
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Linus looked at the man carefully, then deciding he wasn't dangerous,
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shook his hand and said, "It's nice to meet you GNUman."
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<p>
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"Well, of course I'm more than happy to meet anyone around these
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parts. By the way, here's the rules to my game," GNUman said
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solemnly, handing Linus a scroll. "The rules are, that anyone can
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change the rules, as long as they tell everyone what rules they
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changed. That way everyone can make the rules fit their needs."
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<p>
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Linus wasn't quite sure what GNUman was talking about. However, he
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politely took the scroll and promised to read it. GNUman smiled and
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wandered off into the woods.
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<p>
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After a few hours of riding around on the camel, Linus noticed party
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sounds emanating from a nearby clearing. The camel noticed his
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interest and moved in that direction.
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<p>
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As they broke into the clearing there was an amazing sight. A long
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table set with coffee, doughnuts, pizza, as well as Chinese, Indian,
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and Mexican food. At one end was a keg of Guinness. At the head of the
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table was a man with a bushy black beard, long black hair, sunglasses
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and a red fedora. He motioned Linus over to a chair.
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<p>
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"I've been waitin' a bloody long time on you," the man said with a
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British accent. "Do you know how hard it is to keep all this food
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hot?"
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<p>
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Linus, beginning to get used to the odd people of this land, smiled
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and apologized for taking so long. Of course he had no idea that he
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was even expected, let alone late.
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<p>
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"Oh, not to worry," the English fellow said in a nicer tone, "I'm sure
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you were busy."
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<p>
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They began to eat, and Linus was amazed at the energy that this special
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food gave him. After eating in silence for awhile, he noticed that
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other creatures were sitting at the table enjoying the food as
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well. Oddly, he hadn't seen any of them sit down. Indeed, the large
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dog sitting next to him had appeared from nowhere. Linus had seen many
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canines before, but this was the first dog that he had seen with a big
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white beard.
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<p>
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The dog noticed Linus and flashed him a very big smile. He paused to
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wipe some white foam from his mouth and began eating again. Linus was
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a bit concerned that the dog may be 'mad'... Excusing himself, he got
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up to leave.
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<p>
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The Englishman at the head of the table motioned for him. "You can't
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leave yet," he exclaimed, "You have to do what you came for."
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<p>
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Linus had no idea what the man was talking about, so he waited
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patiently while the Englishman fiddled around in a big black box.
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<p>
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"Ah here it is," the man said, pulling out a single kernel of corn. "We
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need your blessing on this... ummm, here!"
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<p>
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With that the man handed Linus the piece of corn, and a crystal
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container filled with a yellow liquid. the bottle was labeled
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"Warning, contains hP2."
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<p>
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Linus stood there for a minute, everyone at the table had stopped
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eating and was watching him closely. He opened the stopper and
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sprinkled some of the 'hP2' on the corn. Everyone cheered and the
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kernel began to shake and jump. It bounced out of Linus' hand and fell
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onto the ground. It began to sprout and grow, a huge green plant came
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out of it and grew and grew, all the time the diners at the table were
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laughing, saying things like "Now that's scalability" or "Look at that,
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40 feet high and still standing... How stable can you get!!"
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<p>
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Linus began to worry that he was expected to do something. But, before
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he could figure it out, the Dog that had sat next to him was again
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beside him.
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<p>
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"Well, what are you waiting for?" the dog asked. "You should already
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be climbing it."
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<p>
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"Ummm, why would I climb it?" Linus asked.
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<p>
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"No time for questions, I'll meet you up there," the dog replied, and
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promptly disappeared. The only thing left was the bushy, white beard
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which slowly faded.
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<p>
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<h3>Linus And The Cornstalk</h3>
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<p>
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Linus had been climbing the cornstalk for what seemed like hours when
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he finally found himself at the top. There before him was a giant
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building with a sign outside that read "Warning, Home of The RedMond
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Giant... all trespassers will be 'Embraced and Extended'."
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<p>
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Linus wasn't sure what that meant, but it didn't sound like something
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he wanted to have done to him. He began to look around, when he
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noticed fading into existence, a white bushy beard. Following the
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beard was the rest of the Dog, which he had seen down below.
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<p>
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"Hey again!" the dog said, smiling, "I see you made it."
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<p>
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"Yes, though I have no idea why you wanted me to climb up here. I
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really don't want to be embraced and extended by a giant."
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<p>
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"Oh, its ok, you have GNUman's rules, don't you? They're the only
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magic strong enough to defeat the giant."
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<p>
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Linus pulled out the scroll and looked at it carefully. "It doesn't
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look very magical to me," he said.
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<p>
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The dog smiled and began walking to the castle. Linus shrugged and
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followed him. As they got closer, he began to hear a loud voice
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singing, "Biddle, Bidele, Boddle, Bandard, I smell the smell of an
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Open Standard. Be it old or be it new, I'll make it part of my
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proprietary brew!"
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<p>
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Linus stopped, the voice was very loud, and a voice that loud had to
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come from a mouth that was very big. However, the dog continued to
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trot toward the castle, without a moments pause, so Linus
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followed. Finally he reached the formidable gates of the
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building. "There's no way in," Linus said relieved. "There is an awful
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lot of security around this place."
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<p>
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The dog laughed, "The only thing worse that the giant's silly rhyme,
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is his security! Trust me, there are many, many ways to get past it."
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<p>
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Sure enough, with just a slight bit of poking, a whole section of the
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fencing fell apart, leaving a gaping hole. The dog led Linus into the
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compound. As they walked across the yard toward the front door...
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several security people rushed to the point where they broke in. One
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of them, apparently the leader stood up on a podium and began to speak
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loudly.
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<p>
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"This is only a theoretical way of breaking into the giants compound.
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Anyone who is concerned about this is just being paranoid. Besides,
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only bad people would break into the compound, and we all know that
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bad people are stupid. So they wouldn't know about this hole."
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<p>
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As he spoke, several kiddies began knocking holes in other parts of
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the fence, following the example of Linus and the dog. The security
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people ignored them.
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<p>
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"Furthermore, there is very little likelihood that anyone will be able
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to duplicate this hole. In fact, if this fence were upgraded to
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version 2.000 then we wouldn't need to be concerned at all."
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<p>
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Immediately, all the other workers began putting up the next version
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of the fence. It looked bigger and stronger than the earlier
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fence. Linus looked at the dog. "It will be hard to get back out."
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<p>
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"Nonsense, I told you their security is hopeless. This new fence will
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likely be even worse than the first."
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<p>
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So Linus and the dog continued into the building, completely unnoticed
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by the security people. Within a few moments they were inside the
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building. The dog looked at Linus. "Ok, open the scroll and read the
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magic words of GNUman," he whispered.
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<p>
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Linus opened the scroll and read, "The GNU General Public License,
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Preamble..."
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<p>
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Linus read and read and read. Finally, as he reached the end of the
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very long magic incantation, he heard a noise. He looked up from the
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scroll, and saw huge cracks forming in the walls and ceiling. The
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building began to shake and shudder. The dog looked at Linus and said,
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"Let's get out of here. You've done what you came to do!"
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<p>
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They ran to the door and into the courtyard. Behind them they could
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hear the giant bellowing for his people to fix the holes and
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cracks, but it was too late, the home of the RedMond Giant was
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collapsing. Linus and the dog reached the brand-new fence, and to
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Linus' surprise, they realized that the entire fence was made of Swiss
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cheese, they climbed through the holes in the fence, and ran for the
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cornstalk.
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<p>
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The dog began to fade, he looked around at Linus, "Thank you so
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much... we all thank you. Have a nice life..."
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<p>
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"Wait," Linus shouted, "What am I supposed to do now?"
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<p>
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The dog was gone again, except for the beard. "Just get to the
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cornstalk. That new kernel will take care of you."
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<p>
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Linus reached the cornstalk, and began climbing down as fast as he
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could, but he lost his footing and before he knew it he had begun to
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fall. The ground was getting closer and closer, and suddenly, he found
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himself, laying on his back, on the ground. He blinked his eyes, and
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looked up at the Corn Stalk. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. It
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wasn't a cornstalk at all. It was the old tree in his back yard!
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<p>
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Linus got up, rubbed his eyes and walked toward the house. Once
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inside, he noticed a package sitting on the table, there was a card
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that read "To Our Dear Son". He opened the package, and to his delight
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there was a brand new 386 computer, just for him.
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<p>
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The End (or is it?)
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<p>
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<small><b><u>Footnotes</u></b>
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<p>
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[1] The author doesn't condone the abuse of any forum by trolls. This
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includes comments about hot grits. However, this small joke just
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couldn't be resisted.</small>
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</font>
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<!-- *** BEGIN bio *** -->
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<SPACER TYPE="vertical" SIZE="30">
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<P>
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<H4><IMG ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="" SRC="../gx/note.gif">D Clyde Williamson</H4>
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<EM>Clyde is a network security specialist for a large corporation in the
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US. He writes articles on Technology, Open Source Advocacy and History
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(pre-1600). After writing the above article, he lives in prepetual fear
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of Lewis Carrol's ghost seeking revenge.</EM>
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<!-- *** END bio *** -->
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<!-- *** BEGIN copyright *** -->
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<P> <hr> <!-- P -->
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<H5 ALIGN=center>
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Copyright © 2002, D Clyde Williamson.<BR>
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Copying license <A HREF="../copying.html">http://www.linuxgazette.com/copying.html</A><BR>
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Published in Issue 75 of <i>Linux Gazette</i>, February 2002</H5>
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<!-- *** END copyright *** -->
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<!--startcut ==========================================================-->
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<!-- *** BEGIN navbar *** -->
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