163 lines
6.0 KiB
HTML
163 lines
6.0 KiB
HTML
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<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 3.2//EN">
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<HTML>
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<title>Linux Humor LG #45</title>
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<H4>
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"Linux Gazette...<I>making Linux just a little more fun!</I>"
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</H4>
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<P> <HR> <P>
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<center>
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<H1><font color="maroon">Linux Humor</font></H1>
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<H4>By <a href="mailto:gazette@ssc.com">Mike Orr</a></H4>
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</center>
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<P> <HR> <P>
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<P> This is the first in a series of Linux-related humor which will be
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published whenever I have material. If you know a Linux joke you'd
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like to contribute for this column, e-mail it to
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<A HREF=mailto:gazette@ssc.com>gazette@ssc.com</A>.
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<P> Contents:<BR>
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[ <A HREF="#airlines">If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines</A> ]
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[ <A HREF="#torvalds">Linus Torvalds entry in <EM>Encyclopedia
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Galactica</EM></A> ]
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<P>
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<A NAME=airlines></A><HR> <!-- ***************************************** -->
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<H1 ALIGN=center>If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines</H1>
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<FONT SIZE=-1><EM>Different versions of this joke have been floating around the
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net for the past couple years, but I found this one especially hilarious. It
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was found by
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<A HREF="mailto:brucek@pacifier.com">Bruce Kingsland</A>.
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The original author is unknown.</EM></FONT>
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<P>
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<H4>UNIX Airways</H4>
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<P> Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come
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to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the
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plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what
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kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
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<H4>Air DOS</H4>
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<P> Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump
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on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again.
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Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
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<H4>Mac Airlines</H4>
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<P> All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents
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look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions
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about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't
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need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done
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for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
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<H4>Windows Air</H4>
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<P> The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards,
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easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After
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about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning
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whatsoever.
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<H4>Windows NT Air</H4>
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<P> Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes,
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and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius
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when it explodes.
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<H4>Linux Air</H4>
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<P> Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to
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start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters,
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and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to
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cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download
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and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you
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are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the
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Seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is
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very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without
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a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to
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tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but
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all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
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<P>
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<A NAME=torvalds></A><HR> <!-- ************************************** -->
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<H1 ALIGN=center>Linus Torvalds entry in <EM>Encyclopedia Galactica</EM></H1>
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<FONT SIZE=-1><EM>
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The following was sent to the </EM>Linux Journal<EM> Editor by an anonymous
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contributor.
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</EM></FONT>
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<P>
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<STRONG>Torvalds, Linus-</STRONG>
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... historians generally agree was an actual
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person and completed a large portion of the programming used to
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develop the positronic brain sometime before the earliest
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recorded history. A number of programs have been copied from
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active positronic memory and have been proven to be based on the
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galactic standard programming language VM (vit-min) C. The memory
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patterns include references to the genetic programmer Linus (la-news)
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Pauling and have revealed where Torvalds named the earliest
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cores of the positronic brain for the VM C language. Torvalds
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is universally regarded by historians as the greatest linguist
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of the core development project. Torvalds was known to have
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mastered all of the known languages of the time while working in
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an advanced development laboratory called the Swiss (s-weex) Patent Office
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of Pari (par-ee) and selected the VM C core in preference to the previous
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Finn language from predecessors Norway (Turbo-C) and Sweden (ANSI-C).
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Torvald's mastery of the language in the VM C core is regarded
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galaxy wide as the reason for the estimated 100,000 year uptime
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for the original positronic brains. The X Law of Robotics
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burned into all positronic brains has been found still undecoded in
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currently functioning examples of the oldest
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portion of the memory used by the LinuX kerning (coy-nah).
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Historians are unanimous in identifying Torvalds as the
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most ingenious programmer in galactic history.
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<DIV ALIGN=right><CITE>--Encyclopedia Galactica</CITE><SUP>1</SUP></DIV>
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<P>
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<FONT SIZE=-1><SUP>1</SUP> Allusion to Isaac Asimov's <EM>Foundation</EM>
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Series.</FONT>
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<!--===================================================================-->
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<P> <hr> <P>
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<center><H5>Copyright © 1999, Mike Orr <BR>
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Published in Issue 45 of <i>Linux Gazette</i>, September 1999</H5></center>
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